Holidays as an Expat

I use Christmas as the example because I celebrate Christmas and that’s the time of year it is as I write this. If you don’t celebrate Christmas or you are reading this at a different time of the year than when it was written, replace Christmas with your holiday tradition.

I met with a group of other spouses to talk about what holidays look like abroad compared to living back home; our favorite and least favorite parts of celebrating holidays abroad; how the holidays abroad impact the relationships we have with our family members back home; and the conversations we have with our children (if applicable) surrounding holidays and being away from family.

For some, this is their first Christmas away from family back home. For others, this is their 15th year away. And then there are some, like me, who have gone back and forth between living abroad, serving a domestic tour, and then going back out for another international assignment. Domestic tours don’t always mean we return to our permanent home of residence which can feel like a tease because we are so close and yet so far away from family. All that to say, there is not a one-size-fits-all category for expats and this lifestyle and I’m sure I missed some others.

Some of the favorite things mentioned about living abroad include, but are not limited to:

• Being able to create new traditions that incorporate both sides of the family’s heritages.

• Being able to celebrate as a nuclear family unit without feeling obligated to visit all of the extended family members.

• Feeling less stressed due to a reduction in the chaos that comes with travel, extended family, and monetary expenditures that come along with it.

• Being able to avoid the logistical questions like - Whose house do we go to? How long do we stay? Where do we stay? Do we alternate houses for each holiday? Do we spend an equal amount of time with each side of the family? Will we see friends while we are in town or only family? Do we ask family to come to us or do we go to them?

• Celebrating with new friends.

• Celebrating and learning about different holidays.

Some of the least favorite things about living abroad during holidays include:

• Missing out on the chaos, energy, and excitement that have become synonymous with Christmas.

• Missing out on family traditions because we tend to feel like we are “out of sight, out of mind.”

• Living in a country where your holiday is not recognized or celebrated by the host country (in Malaysia, they do not recognize Israel as a sovereign nation so individuals holding Israeli passports are not permitted to enter the country and therefore, Hannukah and other Jewish celebrations are not represented amongst the myriad of other holidays on display throughout the year).

• Missing out on the cooler weather typically associated with fall/winter holidays and the activities that come with it – fires, hot drinks, Christmas markets, winter sports, layers of clothing, etc.

• Traveling back to the States – can be time-consuming, costly, stressful, and hard to plan around school and co-worker schedules.

Holidays and Relationships with Family Members

Living abroad can sometimes feel like living in limbo – we have one foot in America and the other foot in our host country. Trying to navigate and cultivate relationships in-person and online (via social media, text messaging, FaceTime, Zoom, etc.) can be exhausting and sometimes feel one-sided.

Within the group, we all understood the frustration that comes along with hearing the comment, “But I don’t know what time it is where you are.” The onus of knowing the time zone differences tends to fall on the “ones who live somewhere else.” This unintentional lack of effort can result in scheduling difficulties or being entirely left out of family gatherings.

Specifically with Christmas, entire family Zoom sessions allow the family/individual(s) abroad to participate in real-time activities – saying hello to relatives, seeing young ones unwrap gifts, joining in on the festivities with food and drinks appropriate to their time of day – but it still isn’t the same. There might be glitches in the internet service, the family abroad might be forgotten about as they are typically “in the background,” or the family back home might schedule it at a time that doesn’t work for the family abroad leaving them out completely.

We are aware that we chose this lifestyle, and we still want to be thought of, remembered, and included. With text messaging, real-time conversations don’t have to be the only way to communicate – remember, our ancestors waited for the mail to be delivered across oceans and they were able to keep in touch. Send a text in the middle of our night and I promise we will respond.

Conversations with Kiddos About Holidays Away from Family

The general consensus about holidays came down to the motto of “as long as we are together.” For some, maintaining strong family traditions is important to the specific holiday – Elf on the Shelf, decorating, looking at Christmas lights, attending Midnight Mass, singing carols, decorating gingerbread houses. For others, going with the flow of the post and phase of life is their approach – vacations, celebrating with friends, baking instead of buying, creating their own night of caroling, and watching their older children host a Christmas dinner for their friends.

To make sure I had my years correct, I scrolled back through photos on my phone to see where we were each year to celebrate Christmas. Since 2015, we have not had two Christmases that looked the same. We have been in 3 different countries and 2 different states, went on vacation instead, had 3 of us, had 4 of us, visited both sides of the family, visited one side, celebrated with friends, and celebrated alone.

I guess the tradition we are cultivating is appreciation – appreciation for what we have and who we have to share it with. The few times we’ve traveled back to see family, we encourage them not to buy us gifts because we only have so much room in our suitcases and ultimately, that’s not the point. We are genuinely fulfilled by being with family.

We also allow ourselves to have the mindset that holidays get to be “just another day” because the next time we are with our family back home, that will be a day for celebration.

I would love to hear how you celebrate holidays abroad, what your favorite/least favorite things are about it, the impact it has on your relationships, and how you talk with your children about being away from family during times of celebration.

Let’s generate more ideas and encourage one another as holidays can be difficult no matter where we are in the world or who we are with.